We all want to be around considerate people like this, because we sense that kindness comes out of an inner place that is healthy and balanced. Is he curt with the bank teller who makes a mistake? And of course, be especially attentive to how your partner treats you over the long haul.In most cases, when someone consistently extends kindness to those who deserve it or not, that is a person with a solid emotional core. Be keenly attuned to attitudes and actions that demonstrate kindness or a lack of it.Or tune into one of the new TV shows which focus on wardrobe/grooming tips for men. Just because you are dating a woman doesnt mean you drop everything else (including your own friends, hobbies, and interests). Make a list of your good points, the qualities you have to offer. And start believing that you are a catch (or at least act like it)!Just got off the phone with a client and became inspired to write this piece. Mid 30’s, intelligent, successful, and serious about finding a relationship.I remind him that it’s a competitive space, that it’s a buyer’s market for women. He muses that it must be nice to have hundreds of people writing to you. ” “Email her and tell her you had a lot of fun last night. But he’s citing references: “I read in David De Angelo that nice guys finish last.He tells me that he doesn’t want to have to lower his standards for online dating. I let him know that it’s a burden for these women – and that lots of great guys get lost in the shuffle. Just like a baseball player fails 7 times out of 10, an online dater is going to get a lot more rejection than acceptance. And “The Rules” talks about waiting a week in between conversations to build up anticipation and establish that you’re busy.” I’m paraphrasing, of course. Ask most women what they’re looking for and you’ll get some version of “a nice guy with a little bit of an edge”. They just don’t want a guy who values himself so little that he has to try so very hard to impress. And jocks are not always known for throwing their weight around in the kindest possible ways. In high school, status comes from having the quickest wit or the most athletic prowess, or both. The funniest guy in high school is typically hilarious at others’ expense.
I reiterate old themes, try to put things into a much-needed perspective. And find out the next time she’s available to talk on the phone.” I’m a big believer in the phone. I don’t want her to think I’m too interested.” An old wives’ tale, I assure him.
Review your grooming, clothes, and accessories with an objective eye. When you really donre looking for a long-term relationship, can you see yourself still with her in 20 years, when some of the supermodel looks may have begun to fade?
If you want feedback, ask a friend—possibly a female friend—for honest input. The good news for nice guys is that as women get older, perhaps having survived a bad-boy heartbreak or two, they are more likely to appreciate nice guys.
The same women he can get in “real life” don’t respond to him online. He reminds me that each letter he writes that goes unanswered is a blow to the ego. Don’t let the process affect you; just be grateful for the potential that it presents. But the gist of it is that all of the experts out there have people believing that the way to forge a happy relationship is by playing games. And everything that you do that is in the least bit calculating is pushing you farther and father from what you claim to want – an authentic relationship where you can be loved and accepted for who you are. They value his ability to be a man, take control, make decisions, speak his mind and march to the beat of his own drum. Because they’ve tried to “nice” their way into women’s hearts and failed, they’re convinced that they have to start being jerks. The confidence that a man projects is the magnetism that draws women. Confidence without kindness describes “bad boys” that smart woman have long ago given up.
I remind him that at a party, she doesn’t have a hundred men lined up to talk to her. The strength of online dating lies in its ability to give us access to total strangers; the downside is how difficult it is to keep their attention. Finally, we get to talking about the woman he’s writing to. I wrote about this extensively in a chapter from “Why You’re Still Single” creatively called “Don’t Play Games”, but to reiterate: NOTHING GOOD COMES OUT OF PLAYING GAMES. None of those things prevent a guy from being nice. Kindness without confidence is the charge against the wishy-washy “nice guys”.